I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
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Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies