Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
You Might Also Like
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.