They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
And then there were 4
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.