Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
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Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
#dalle2
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Sunday
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones