This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
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Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Me buying fruit and veg
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.