The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
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Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Big Sex has us all fooled
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.