DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
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Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.