Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
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One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’