If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
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When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.