When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
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I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Ovenable?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?