One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.