This will never not be funny to me.
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judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?