I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
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What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so