Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I support this random dude and all his protests
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.