Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
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I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I need this for my side hustle.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.