[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate