What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
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I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!