“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
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Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Put my back out twerking in the library again
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.