(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
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It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Before & after 😅
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.