Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
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My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Social Media and Real life
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
It’s the weekend y’all
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?