Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
buying dead houseplants to save time
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S