My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
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Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
subtitles are so good nowadays
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.