Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
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[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Friends that check up on you >
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days