Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
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*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.