Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
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the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled