My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.