Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
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My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
i was baptized in a car wash
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Owl Sanctuary
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me