Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
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Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
what the
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.