they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
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I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I love it all
the #horror is real!
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
dam girl
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.