The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.