Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
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[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.