I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
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bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time