If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
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besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Nice try Hitler