I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
You Might Also Like
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I am HOWLING at this
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’