It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
You Might Also Like
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Happy thanksgiving
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.