Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
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There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.