dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Grandmother clock.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*