Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination