The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
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Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
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Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
The internet is magic sometimes.