You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge