Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
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Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”