“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult