Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
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Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I feel this so hard
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.