“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
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I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit