People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
You Might Also Like
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Happy Taco Tuesday
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.