The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
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if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Siri: Retweet me.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.