As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
You Might Also Like
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
My kitchen overserved me.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life