[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.