Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
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Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved