boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
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I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables